7 Ways to Encourage Your Kids
King Solomon said, “A merry heart does good, like medicine, But a broken spirit dries the bones.” (Proverbs 17:22 NKJV)
We all want our families to be healthy, in their bodies, souls, and spirits. What is one of the best ways to get them there and keep them thriving? It’s ENCOURAGEMENT!
Encouragement is a pretty big theme throughout much of the Bible. Proverbs is full of wisdom relating to how we use our mouths to build up or destroy, and many of the epistles have encouragement as a recurring theme. Paul even directly told the Thessalonians to “encourage each other and build each other up….” (I Thess. 5:11 NLT)
To encourage someone is to build courage inside of them. We all need courage to live! Imagine that with our words we are either building a structure of courage in others, or tearing down their courage with negative, unloving speech and actions. There is really no third option. Because we all interpret the action or inaction, words or silence of others as positive or negative, there isn’t a neutral position to take. Who would want to be neutral to our kids anyway? As moms, we are blessed with the great privilege of having little ones who hang on our every word (even if they’re bigger and seem not to care), and receive what we say as truth and identity.
This is both exciting and terrifying! But I am going to help you find some great ways to build courage in your kids so that they will be strong inside and not torn down.
Just look at how God speaks to us and builds our courage! Isaiah 41: 9-10 NLT “For I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” He speaks identity to us (I have chosen you) and addresses our fears (don’t be afraid, for I am with you). He gives us the solution to any dis-courage-ment we might have (I will strengthen you and help you). If we KNOW our good Father is on our side, holding us up in all we do, we can be confident that we will not fail. Our inner strength is built on this foundation of knowing who we are and the peace and confidence that comes from that.
When I was a child, one of the first verses my mom had my sibling and me memorize (and quote over and over and over) was Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (NIV)
I cannot even fathom how many times I was asked to quote this verse when something was going awry with my attitude which was always coupled to my blabby little mouth. Mom didn’t even have to correct us—she would give us the “mom eye” and say, “Ephesians 4:29!” And we *cough* mainly I *cough* would robotically repeat the verse and be convicted that whatever we (I) had just said was indeed NOT helpful for building others up, and definitely not benefitting those who were listening. (Side note: I have seen a GIANT benefit in my own life from memorizing copious amounts of Scripture as a child. It’s something I’m working on doing with my own kids—it is well-worth the effort!)
My mom isn’t in my house to challenge me with this every day anymore, but the Holy Spirit STILL gets me with this one—Am I building others up according to their needs? Are my words benefitting those who listen? Let me tell you, this is convicting on a pretty much daily basis.
The power of our mouths, for both good and bad, cannot be underestimated. Proverbs says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Prov. 18:21 NIV) It is our choice which direction we go with this. We can bring life, or we can bring death; there is no other option. Both are in our power, through our tiny little tongues.
I love the second part of this verse: “those who love it will eat its fruit.” When we learn the powerful nature of our words, and choose to use them for good, we will reap the benefit of sowing life into ourselves and others. When people, specifically our children, are encouraged, they have better emotional capacity for situations they encounter every day. It’s much easier to be kind when you are feeling encouraged by those who matter the most to you. It builds their inner sense of courage and security.
Some of us are naturally more wordy and outspoken than others, and some have had great (or not-so-great) examples of how to do this from our parents. Let me encourage you that regardless of our natural personalities or our own family background, we can ALL be good encouragers! To help us all out, here are a few fresh ideas—or reminders—to get us to tip top courage building.
7 Ways to Encourage Your Kids
1. Tell them “good job!” OFTEN
Look for little things they are doing well, and go out of your way to say something about it. In the midst of our full lives, we can have a tendency to rush past little things, but we can find good fruit when we take a moment (even on the go) to notice what they’re doing and tell them.
2. Tell them what God thinks about them
As parents, there is no better way to encourage our children than speaking God’s words over them. Like all humans, we need to hear things many times over to really take them in and start believing them. It is really as simple as hearing what God’s heart is over our children, and telling them what He is saying. 1 Corinthians 14:3 NIV “But the one who prophesies speaks to people for their strengthening, encouraging, and comfort.” Prophecy is a gift of God to all of His children. It is hearing God’s strengthening, encouraging, and comforting words, and repeating them to others. Whether this a new concept to you, or you’ve been doing it for years, what better way to use this powerful gift than in building up our families?!
3. Tell them you’re glad they’re in your family
This might seem overly simplistic, but what a beautiful thing to tell your kids they are WANTED! In our day and age where much of our society sees children as a burden or an accessory, we have the powerful opportunity to speak life and love over our children, letting them know they are valuable and desired.
Our three-year-old son, Levi, was conceived after a miscarriage followed by months of waiting and wanting to be pregnant, and me crying out to God for another child. I tell him this story often, when I’m tucking him into bed, or even at random times throughout the day. “I asked God for a baby, and He answered my prayers and gave us YOU!” “Yes, He gave you LEE-BY!” It’s the most precious thing to see his eyes light up when I start in on the story. He knows the ending, and anticipates the punchline of how wanted and treasured he is. It delights me every time as well.
Sometimes when our family is having dinner together, I will burst out to my husband and all of our children, “I AM SO GLAD WE ARE ALL IN THIS FAMILY!!! Look around! It is so amazing to have all of you kids! Wow! We are so blessed!!” This is a way we can rejoice in our motherhood, by noticing the blessing our family is, and encouraging them by telling them so!
4. Tell them you like them at random times
It has become a little inside joke with my nine-year-old daughter, that I will catch her at some random time and ask her, “Have I ever told you you are one of my very favorite people in the world? Because you ARE!” “Oh Mom,” she will reply, rolling her eyes and laughing, “yes, you have, so many times. You need to think of something else to say!” (You can be sure I will never change the way I say this, because of that response. I love the way it slightly irks her and makes her laugh and feel special all at the same time. I’m kind of a stinker that way.) You can do this with your kids too. It’s so fun to simultaneously bug and delight them.
5. Tell them they are beautiful or handsome
We all want to know we are accepted physically. The body is 1/3 of our being, after all. If we praise only spiritual things (character) and soul things (behavior, intellect), we will miss out on the opportunity to show value to their whole person, which includes the physical body. I have heard some people say to only praise character that we see in others (“what a diligent boy!”), or there seems to be a current trend (I find this especially focused on our daughters) to avoid addressing their physical beauty at all and only tell them how smart they are. While I understand and agree that focusing solely on the physical, or on a particular societal standard of beauty is dangerous and damaging, it is of key importance to not throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak, and overcorrect by ignoring it completely. The truth is that if we do not let our kids know that we see their individual beauty (or handsomeness), they will seek out this approval from others. Don’t be afraid to notice their unique beauty out loud.
6. Reward them when they do well
It is massively encouraging to our kids when we let them know we see them doing the good, hard work, whether in attitudes or in help around the home. In our family, we saw a big uptick in our kids’ enthusiasm and diligence when we worked out a little system to pay them for chores. They feel a sense of personal pride and encouragement every time they do a job and when payday comes around.
Even something like getting ice cream, or doing some celebratory thing that’s a little out of the ordinary will go a long way in showing your kids you are noticing that they are doing well in an area.
7. Praise them in front of others
As encouragement goes, this will get you a HUGE return on investment! When you choose to specifically praise your child in front of others, it multiplies your praise or encouragement by the number of people who hear it, and an extra bonus value if it’s someone they really look up to.
A few weeks ago my husband and I were sitting talking at the kitchen table while our eleven-year-old cleaned up after dinner. She had had a very productive day and gotten through all of her school subjects very quickly. I knew she could hear me well, so I remarked to my husband about how great her day had been, and said, “She has been so diligent to focus and do all of her work this week! I’m so proud of her!” I gave her a big smile, and my husband went on to praise and encourage her as well. Those little exchanges can go a long way in building up our children!
“But,” I can hear some of you saying, “I cannot find anything to encourage in my kids! They aren’t putting any effort into their chores or schoolwork, their behavior is lousy, they complain about everything!”
To this I would say, start small. Work with what you have. If you see tiny things that can be praised, make a big deal of those! Praise and encourage them over any small areas of growth that you see. Give a big high five, a standing ovation, or call the family’s attention to any little thing you see that is good. God has wired us all to desire recognition and approval. Those little things, when praised, will grow into bigger things, which we will find easier to encourage, and the positive upward spiral begins. Yes, sometimes, depending on the situation and the child, this can take a lot of time and effort on our part, but the reward is so worth it.
Finally, ask your kids what you do that makes them feel encouraged. Start a dialog in your family that will get the encouragement ball rolling, not only from parent to children, but between siblings as well! That’s the beautiful thing about building courage in others. It perpetuates. When one person is encouraged, they are apt to encourage another. The power to benefit from the wise and skillful use of our words starts with us. Begin the encouragement cycle in your home today!